9 Tips To Know Your Partner is The One

9 Tips To Know Your Partner is The One

By Aid

None of this is intended to be legal, medical, or psychiatric advice.

So you have been with the same person for a while, and things are going pretty well. You’re attracted to them, they bring something of value to your life, and you are wondering whether you want to take things to the next level. Maybe you are thinking of moving in together, maybe you are thinking of getting married. Maybe you are even thinking of having a child with this person. Entering a committed relationship can be a wonderful and exciting experience, but it is also a serious investment of time, and personal resources. When you get a car, you at least kick the tires first. Unfortunately, there is no insurance for a relationship other than your good sense. Not to mention, you may be under the influence of the “halo effect,” where you are blinded from seeing warning signs by your positive impression of your partner. Do yourself a favor, and consider these tips before you decide to take the plunge: 

1) You have seen them at their worst: People can be charming, considerate, and incredibly sweet at the beginning of a relationship, including individuals who will turn abusive. Generally, people get caught up in the newness of a relationship, and they want it to work out, so they present the best part of themselves, and are guarded about their worse traits. However, you want to know what those worst traits are if you are thinking of making your partner a real part of your life. Seeing you partner when they are stressed, angry, depressed, or even just disappointed, can give you a good insight into how they deal with conflict, and whether they will take their problems out on you, or engage in petty behavior. I’m not suggesting you provoke your partner, but spending enough time with them to observe how they respond to negative stimuli is important. 

2) Complimentary traits: Relationships ought to make you feel safe as well as challenge you so that you have the ability to grow and evolve as a human being, while feeling nurtured. If you are too similar or too different, that can put strain on a relationship. You need just the right amount of difference, and (ideally) their traits should compliment your own. For example, if you are a very spontaneous person, it would be good if your significant other likes to take the time to think things through. If you are honest to the point of being rude sometimes, maybe it would be helpful if your partner is a bit more tactful than you. Consider your traits, and consider theirs. Ask yourself: Do we balance each other out?

3) They are careful with their money and habits: When you enter into a relationship, you will be exposed to your partner’s troubles and problems, but whether those problems will become yours comes down to how responsible your partner is. If they drink too much and lose control, or compulsively spend money on line, or gamble their paycheck away, or engage in thoughtless antics, that can quickly cross over from fun to a NIGHTMARE! The question you must ask yourself is: How much of their baggage are you willing to carry?

4) They listen and incorporate: Anyone can pretend to pay attention and then say they are “sorry,” and, “it won’t happen again.” Every couple has problems from time to time, but if the same problems keep coming up between you and your partner, and you keep telling them about the problem(s) to no avail, your relationship is going nowhere fast. Partners need to show that they can listen, and actually incorporate each others concerns into their behavior. If they cannot modulate their behavior to to address your concerns, then that is a sign that there is an aspect of their personality or character they might not want to change, or they may be incapable of changing. Going into a committed relationship hoping that your partner will change themselves for you is as big of a mistake as going into a relationship hoping your partner will never change. Either way, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. 

5) They don’t isolate you from friends and family: Significant others do not always get along with family or friends. That does not mean the relationship is doomed. However, they should not try to isolate you from friends and family who are a positive influence in your life. Now, if you have a friend or family member who is rather toxic, that is a different story. However, good friends and family members are a part of your support system, and they may be able to spot possible threats to your happiness and well-being. A partner that wants you to be dependent on them wants you to be that way for a reason, and it’s usually not to benefit you.

6) Shared morals: Your morals and values drive the decisions you make and your priorities. If you are not on the same page about what is valuable, that is going to lead to some difficult situations down the road. This does not mean you need to agree on everything, or practice the same religion, or watch the same news channels. However, if they think you don’t respect the law because you think black lives matter, or they think you are committing murder by taking the morning after pill, that can lead to some nasty resentment in the relationship. Get to know your partner’s beliefs, and share your beliefs with them. 

7) Shared boundaries and needs: Everyone has their own boundaries and needs, and if their needs are likely to lead them to constantly violate your boundaries, or vice versa, that can lead to a disaster of a relationship. This can relate to how much time alone you need, how much physical affection you like to experience, or how often you text each other, among many other issues. Furthermore, how similar your needs and boundaries are will dictate whether you or your partner is likely to engage in cheating, and NOT EVEN REALIZE IT! This is no big secret, but cheating is not always about sex. Cheating can consist of any behavior that violates the exclusivity of the relationship. That frequently involves sex, because sex is one of those activities that monogamous couples treat as “exclusive.” Yet, couples have all kinds of activities that they only do together, and if one partner suddenly does that thing with another person outside of the relationship (without prior approval), that can lead the other partner feeling betrayed and devalued. This can even apply to watching your partner’s favorite show with someone else. Figure out where your partner’s red lines are, and make sure they know where your red lines are before you get closer to them.

8) Similar life goals: This kind of goes back to the issue of hoping your partner will change when you enter a committed relationship. If they want certain things for the future, and you want the exact opposite of those things, save yourself and your partner some heartbreak. Classic examples are include you wanting kids, and your partner hating children, or you wanting a career, and your partner wanting you to stay at home. It can also include your partner wanting to settle down in one part of the country, and you wanting to live anywhere but that location. If you are not on the same page in terms of how you want your life to end up, it is unfair to subject your partner to the fate you are chasing.  

9) Shared sense of humor: A sense of humor goes a long way in terms of mitigating problems and keeping things enjoyable when they might otherwise be stressful, or boring. It can help you both get through some very tough times and bring you both back down to common ground. The key thing here is you should be in agreement about what is ok to laugh at, and what is not. If you are able to laugh at yourself and like self-deprecating humor, that does not mean you partner feels the same way about being the butt of a joke. If you can both laugh at yourselves, and laugh at each other, you can develop a very strong relationship. If you can’t take each other’s jokes, think twice before taking things to the next level.